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Self-love and inviting others to love you. Or whatever.


Last year, I was asked by Ntombenhle Shezi, an editor at Elle Magazine South Africa at the time, to share my thoughts on sex positivity. They were working on a "body" issue of the magazine and the brief was "share your thoughts on what sex positivity means to you."

I have not had a lot of sex, or even as much as I've wanted to have at certain points, but I'm also a believer that sex positivity isn't only about quantity. It can't be. Being, and exploring alone through masturbation and reading erotica, has led me to understand my body more and knowing the sort of intimacy I desire. An even bigger contributor to me feeling positive about sex and being sexual has been my fat acceptance journey. 
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The better I feel about my body and the more I think of it as just another fact (I have brown eyes, I was born in January, I am fat, I like mangoes) the better I feel about inviting others to experience my body with me. And because I'm unlearning harmful ideas about bodies, it makes me more aware of what sexual partners may need and may be feeling in the moment as well. 

Being in a body can be scary but understanding that scariness and being tender to yourself and your sexual partner(s) where that fact is concerned, can open up a world of positive intimacy and reciprocal pleasure.

That's what I sent back. In the time since I have been thinking even more about bodies (mine) and my relationship with the idea of "sexiness". What I have so far is that I am not and it's not something I'd even know how to take on or own or sit with. As with most things, sex positivity comes through comfort for me. This is how, I tell myself, I can be sex positive but still cringe at excessive mentions of sex. It's how I can tweet nearly daily updates on the state of my horniness but still not be actively trying to have sex.
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Prior to being asked to send a paragraph to respond to this prompt, I spent weeks months earlier canvassing for sex position recommendation from fat people for fellow fat people. I had a few responses, the post is still coming. Eventually. That had stemmed from a trend of disdain I noticed. Fat people being put off by the idea of having sex with other fat people or, in nobler cases, being worried about the logistics of it. So I asked a bunch of people and got a few responses. This is a post that's coming.

What are your thoughts on sex positivity?

PS: What it's like to wear a crop top with a big belly