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Yikes.

Some things are better when it comes to being alive as myself. So much better, in fact, I'm glad I'm a late bloomer in the way of relationships because I feel so much better about myself, my "value" and, most importantly, my body. I'm glad I have like, three, bad sexual experiences (or sexual experiences with really trash people). It could have been more, it could have taken me longer to realise that they were the problem and not me or my body or whatever else I could have overthought myself into deprecating. But with all those good things comes the bad things as well, things that will likely only be whittled away within or after a relationship. So I'm sharing a few things that will make me hard to date.

1. Novice
I've never done it before. My head is, likely, full of all these ideas of what a relationship ought to be and that shit is bound to come crashing a few times if I ever do the dating and relationship thing. Also, I've been feeling myself age out of the ability to learn new people? The longer I'm alone (26 years is long!) the more it fits better and gets comfortable.

2. My communication is probably not what it should be
I have come SUCH a long way when it comes to communication. I'm always trying to unlearn a bunch of bad behaviours but because it's also still not been applied in a romantic relationship, I will definitely have to learn all that. And things like fighting fair because as soft and pro-kindness as I am, I can be MEAN! In general, things like letting someone know when they've hurt you without breaking down or trying to break them down.


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Also, these boys all act like communicating with the people they're in relationships with is a chore!

3. I'm Stubborn
Surprise!

4. Mental Health
I'm not one to romanticise the heaviness of living with mental illness, nor do I expect people to stay through it. It would be great, it would be lovely, to be loved through it all but in reality, very few people are up to that. Sooner or later, the reality of being a depressed person, a person who often needs to hide from the world, a person who goes through the motions for work, will crash onto whatever relationship. Then whatever boy will have to decide if he wants something less turbulent. 

5. I'm Broke AF
Lol is dating fun when you're broke? I mean, there are people who did it as broke teens so surely there's a way? But the thing with me is, coaxing me to leave the house takes doing. So why would I even leave the house when I don't have money to spend? 

Of course, the other side of this is how I don't mind paying for things when I do have money. Movie and something to eat? Sure, I've got you. But why leave the house for a film? There are things I would be interested in doing but they cost much more than an occasional trip to the cinema.


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6. Where is the time?
I leave the house (with my lift club) just after 7:30 in the morning. I am usually inside the house by 19:00, unless I'm working at an event or broadcast, in which case I'm lucky if I'm home by 22:00. When I get home on a regular day, all I want to do is wash my face (I'm still not doing it as regularly as I want it to be!), eat, hang out with my kid sister and watch our stories. After Uzalo, at 21:00, it's time for bed.

Where does a relationship fit in that exciting schedule?

So, lonely as I get, it's probably not by mistake that I have always been alone. But it will be amazing meeting someone (or people) willing to get past all these things and just be with ya ghel for as long as that lasts.