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Secure your wigs, donsani amaclosure* because Being Bonang is back today!


Nna I like my ghel B and when I can, I show up and give her work the consideration it deserves so I can make informed criticisms. Except for the book. My brain was not having it. Anyway, Being Bonang, her reality show that's a send up to her old, self-produced youtube special "B' Dazzled" is back on TV tonight for a whole new season! I didn't get to watch much of season one apart from the clips, which were very sus without the full body of work that I found on Youtube: A makeup artist who can't get things right, an assistant who doesn't know what he's doing and other mishaps, which, of course, left the viewer wondering, "How does she do it all since everyone around her is so incompetent! What a queen!" Then there was her making breakfast for her boyfriend, having bubbly for breakfast and mopping in an expensive slip dress -- an image that is forever tattoed on my pop culture-loving brain.

After entertainment bloggers -- you know the guy I mean -- made a show of driving home that her ratings weren't all that (to which we all responded I mean it's on DSTV's premium bouquet!!!), Bonang Matheba, Chief Moghel, Ms "Give The People What They Want" if you nasty, is on her way back to our TV screens. Still on the Vuzu AMP replacement channel (how many channels with these people dream up and then destroy??? Is there strategy to any of these decisions?) 

In keeping with her motto of giving the people what they want, here is what I think Season 2 of Being Bonang will give the people.

1. The breakup
You know when Bonang tweets in Setswana that it's about to go down. So too with her new trailers, which she released on her social media accounts where she's hinting at being finally free. I think those who have access and desire to watch the show will get the full scoop on the breakup. She might even go through the long ass timeline of all the times he pretended they were broken up and say whether on not it was true.

2. More Lorna Maseko

This is something of an obvious one but I think Lorna Maseko will be more prominent in this season of Being Bonang. There isn't another celebrity left in the mix and there's only so much PinkyGirl can do to understand her cousin's fast-paced, jet-setting lifestyle of making sad Instagram stories dancing alone in hotel rooms. Lorna Maseko and Bonang, colleagues on Top Billing (is that show still on? Are they both still on it?!), seem to have a close friendship shem. She's Bonang's ballerina and I doubt their recent girls' trips from earlier in the year were just nje. They were filming. Remember how Lorna Maseko was in the middle of the "OMG, did Bonang get married on her birthday?" storm of 2017? Good times.

3. AKA secrets
Okay, I can't think of a catchy sub-heading for this one but I feel like after the breakup full scoop people are going to hear things like "yeah, Cas had him stressed." Or that DJ Zinhle was right about Bonang giving a fan the time of day and it all got to be too much. At least for the first two episodes, there's going to be hella content on this past relationship of hers.

4. The confession*

INT. STUDIO. DAY

Bonang Matheba sits on a stool in the pink makeshift set that was built to be the Being Bonang confessional. It's 19:43 and we are due for an ad break. She sweeps her long, laidt tresses from one side of her face to the other in a swift cock of her head. She looks directly at the camera. She shifts her weight slightly on the stool. She blinks pointedly and her eyelashes move with the weight and elegance of a peacock fanning its feathers. This is a moment.

Her: Mentions something about AKA telling her he was dying in his other,other relationship and she was great and he'd broken his relationship off. 

CUT TO

INT. STUDIO. DAY

PinkyGirl is now on the stool and is looking sad AF

Her: One a mo rata tota. But she's never quite forgotten that lie.

DSTV goes to an ad break. Those on twitter who have premium DSTV are having a tweet firestorm. DSTV comes back from the ad break.

INT. STUDIO. DAY

Bonang is back on the stool in the room with pink draping

Her: For a long time it was great but honestly I never forgot what he did to her or forgave him. But I was so in love.

CUT TO

EXT. DAY. TASHA'S ADJACENT BHUJWA RESTU

Bonang and Lorna Maseko sing "ha e duma ya tsamaya" at an increasing volume and none of the white people request to speak to the manager but they all give them dirty looks.

5. A new venture

As ill-fated and bad as the products were, season one of Being Bonang had the book and Bmojis to add a bit of colour and #girlboss moghel to the storyline and I don't think season two is going to be any different. Magazine cover shoots and horseracing events aside, Bonang Matheba will use this continent-wide platform to show you she's working. 

I can't recall the source but someone was irl talking about under-employed she seems these days and I hope there are things coming. Maybe a new clothing line, a fashion show for her Woolworths lingerie... she'll look busy AF.

6. Do girls have vineyards or nah

We need to know! And I think she will confirm once and for all.

What are your predictions for the new season?


* Thank you to my WCE, Zama for "Donsani amaclosure iyavela igrowth."

**This is satire, I hope you laughed. But I do think she's going to mention Zinhle in those first two episodes

Image via 1Magic


PS: A Review of Bmoji by Bonang