9 April 2018

7 Things - A Corner of One's Own


Its not Sunday but we're out here.


1. I don't like losing track but it's so easy to do with a brain like mine. It could be a conversation with someone I like that I delay responding to, a story my sister is telling me that I can't focus on so I keep asking her ukuthi uthini. I've been thinking since Friday that I should write another 7 Things post your guess as to why I have been obsessing about it is as good as mine but I needed to do it.

2. On Monday, a public holiday after a long weekend, Mphiwe and I went grocery shopping first thing in the morning. We came back and ate breakfast and I napped listening to The Mindy Project, she was doing laundry but came to lie with me as the machine went. I woke up around 16h00 and after taking my phone out of aeroplane mode, I saw I had a misses call and an SMS from Sabelosami. The preview said "sisi uSabelosami. Twitter is saying Mam Win..." I put my phone back in aeroplane mode and watched the TV. Refusing to make it my business what Twitter was saying. Two hours later, we were again able to plug in the wifi dongle and after connecting, I watched my WhatsApp message count reach 50+ messages -- I'm a part of two work WhatsApp groups so I knew what Twitter had been saying was true.

All I've said to Sabelosami, the person I speak to the most, was the above account. I recounted the steps of my avoidance and that was all I had. I felt numb that whole evening and most of the next day at work when all everyone wanted to do was talk and plan and run around. The only colleague I talked to was someone who wanted to talk about some pop culture event or other. I have spontaneously teared up a few times. All I could think the day after is that as intimately as I think I know death -- more the uncountable grains of time after it -- there will always be instances of it when I won't know what to do. My heart is sore for her but, more importantly, my heart is sore for myself. We owe her the world. Doeks and hashtags claiming her spirit will live in us does not comfort me -- have you met us? Here I am unable to think of comfort for her.

3. I cleared a folded pile of clothes from the top of the chest of drawers in the bedroom, dusted and wiped it down and spread all my face/skincare stuff on it. And, all of last week, that gesture of kindness to myself and the space I grow to hate with each passing weekend -- but then I try to convince myself that I could make it work because I can't find a place -- was top three reasons making me feel okay. I don't have a bedside thing, I don't have a thing for my books and, nearly two years later, they still live in a storage bin but I have created this corner now, I guess.

4. I won a ticket to go to Nokulinda Mkhize's latest #GogoSpeaks event in late March and, although I had to drag myself there when the day came, I'm glad I went. The topic was about raising families (as feminist and feminist-leaning people who want to minimise trauma for future generations and heal ourselves rn). On paper, it was all things I can't relate to: I've been single all my I-wouldn't-mind-mjolo life. On the other side, I jave been raising my sister for a few years. The afternoon was fun, had me thinking about my own family's traumas and had me considering going out at night just so I could hear Maria McCloy play music.

5. I finally got the new shoes I spent weeks watching in my Superbalist cart. I wore them today.

6. I had such a cute time at an art show for Kgomotso Neto, who's fundraising to go to New York for a prestigious portfolio review shandis. It was packed, of course. I saw too many people I know and it wasn't awkward, so that's great. I hope I never get used to the joy that comes with seeing someone I'm rooting for, someone who is talented, win. I didn't know there would be postcards on sale so I only had enuf cash on me to buy only two. After my time inside the show, I stood outside, then went across to the Steers and Mochachos to look for softserve ice cream but there wasn't any. Luckily I realised there's a KFC close by and their machines were working and so my grumpy girl goes outside in Johannesburg at night short film was complete.

7. While at #GogoSpeaks, I saw a lovely woman I know primarily from tye internet and she almost had me in tears with her comforting, kind words. I must have looked like a comical gif trying to RUN while being appreciative of her kindness. I'm not used to it but it's a nice feeling when someome roots for you.

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