South african blogger, twentysomething blogger, millennial lifestyle blogger, black millennial blogger
#Holistichoe18 and beyond



Today is not a good day. The whole of the week that's passed was very touch and go really. I'm currently on leave from work, which I absolutely  needed after working in December -- as well as working evenings and most weekends in 2017. But it's been awful and anxiety-filled. Here are some things currently going on in my brain.


1.

I'm 26 now. Two people asked me yesterday, on my birthday, how I was feeling and all could say was "fine" and "positive neutral" both of these simply mean it was my birthday and for once I didn't feel like dying. I don't remember how I felt on my birthday in 2017 because I spent it running around helping my sister get her supplementary exams sorted out.

I didn't have cake or a nice meal, just spent the day watching "atypical" on Netflix, melting and responding to awkward birthday wishes on Twitter. My sister disappeared and upon her return said she thought maybe I needed time to cry. I said I'd do it today while she's at church (and surrounding social events) and I have done so. Everything seems bleak and pointless.


2.
Am I always talking about my living arrangement woes? It's because that's how stressed they have me. Some time last year, I realised I needed to move: the street is a lot all the time, the actual yard I live in has slowly been transforming into a nightmare. The last straw happened on the first day of my leave: they're building a new extension which means there will be more people. Which inevitably means more loudness and thoughtlessness.

But this week it's just meant living on a construction site. Without warning or opting in. 

3.
I tweeted about #holistichoe18 saying I want to be a holistic hoe this year and jokingly said what I really mean is that I want to eat beetroot and sleep more. I just want to feel better this year and beyond. I want to feel like I'm in control and to wake up on time in the morning and not drag myself to my morning taxis.

I want to drink all the water and have sex and just feel more at home in my body. But twice this week I have walked past beetroot being sold at stalls because how will I even prepare it?

I want my brain to work better. On the last day at work before my leave, I mentioned in passing that my exhaustion is in a big part due to being depressed. For the first tome ever, the other person said "look into getting help for it." And shared her sister's battle with depression which led her to drop out of university while seeking medical help. I supposed I have to do more than just "realise" things to make it easier for my future therapist.

4.
For the past three years or so, I've been steadily working harder to make this blog better. 2017 is the year I found my rhythm, especially when it came to my plus size style content. I have some plans and I'm constantly trying to make this blog better. I want to grow my social platforms so I can finally start getting that Webfluential money like other kids.

5.
Even just typing this I'm getting bored with myself. I'm lonely and it's exhausting and I don't know how to change it.

6.

To escape the construction site when I live, and feeling myself go into a strong but quiet panic, I suggested my sister and I go to the cinema on Monday. We saw the last Pitch Perfect which I think was much better than the second. But don't get me wrong, it's great that it's the last film. In the course of the trailers and taxi home, I think we counted about five films we want to see. Not even counting Gabrielle Union's new film. I'm going to be so broke this year.

7.
I hate the term "side hustle" because I've mostly seen it on blogs written and read by hipster white women who conveniently omit that their side hustle money is really just a drop in the ocean of their generational wealth/parent or spousal allowance.

My day job does not pay we well. That's that. In fact, currently I'm taking home a few hundred less than I did at my previous job which has been frustrating. But ke vele I need to start being that multiple income stream bbz I've always dreamt of being. This means pitching stories, writing and filing invoices immediately on the freelance writing side. It also means renewing my efforts to get a copywriting, content and social media management client. It also means working at creating relationships with brands and PRs for the blog. A few of posts I wrote last year performed well and the value my writing and this platform adds is not lost on me.

I don't know how this turned into a plans post but it did. 

I hope you are having a relaxing Sunday. I'm entering the second week of my leave and feeling kak about my life as it stands. I'll be fine though.

(If you want to help me get my Webfluential money, follow me on Twitter, IG and Facebook. I'm typing thins on my phone but links on the sidebar.)