fka twigs quotes, quote about loneliness, quote about being alone, is being alone okay?,


I'm at my best when I'm sitting on a bench and watching people interact across the way. I'm at my best when I'm reading a book and I dramatically close it because I just can't fucking believe what the fuck I'm reading -- then open it mouth slightly open. I'm at my best when I'm watching television and a stupid line of dialogue, which I repeat to myself, happens. I'm at my best when I'm in company and an inside joke or pop cultural reference happens and I get the happys. I say "I'm not talking to you" often when I'm sitting on benches, watching television or in rooms with other people. I thrive when I'm alone. I think out loud and talk to myself. I stress myself because this life thing isn't  going the way I'm trying to steer it. I talk myself away from the ledge and comfort myself and eat that damned biscuit. 22 years in and I don't think I'll ever learn how not to be best on my own. I believe this to be a gift, considering how my life is set up. Who better to be left in the world on her own than the champion loner? Who knows, I've probably adapted and come out this way.


But there are wrenching moments too. Where I can't stand to be alone in the world. I can't stand being all that have. There are times when I can't stand there not being someone on the other side of the phone or gchat or someone who'll invite me over just so they can oil my scalp or ensure that I take a nap or make me my favourite meal.  The world can be crazy/scary especially when I haven't been practising self-care. It's easy to feel like my own feelings are betraying me, straying from the programme.

In 2013, I went to a Numetro cinema close to where I worked and watched Life is But a Dream all by myself (if we're not counting the guy who was also in the room with me) and it was perfect. It was wonderful. It was magical. There isn't a person I can think of who would have been great company for that afternoon. When I was fired from my job on the actual fifth anniversary of my mother's death this year I went back to that same shopping centre. I picked up books I'd ordered online, bought two new books, bought two slices of red velvet cake and went into that very cinema and watched Maleficent. I was the only one in there this time. I also discovered that their seat's armrests move so I made myself a two-seater, put my bags down, ate cake and popcorn while crying because of the film and life.

As Drake says, "I get lonely too". I just sometimes worry that because I'm so self-sufficient and so island-y, to quote Hugh Grant in About a Boy quoting a Bon Jo Vi song I don't know, the loneliness can feel compounded and more than I can handle. One of the best self-care tools I can give myself in these instances is to not trivialise my feeling while not letting hopelessness get the better of me. The best I can do sometimes is sending my sister a whatsapp of silly stuff and hope she responds and comes back to hang out with me if she can.

In an interview with Rookie, which I only saw after I'd written a chunk of this post, FKA Twigs talks about how she doesn't believe in loneliness and I thought, "wow! How lucky is this girl!" But I now can say that I view her thoughts on loneliness as a sort of life goal. A goal to feel the feelings but not dwell on them. Just do something, channel the moments into something that makes them worth it, a practice of sorts. Being alone makes me feel powerful and that I can make things happen regardless how small they may be. I don't want feelings of loneliness, regardless of how short-lived, to suck away at that power.

Do you have any tools of self-care that help you cope in moments of loneliness? I'm thinking things along the lines of meditation (but my mind's too loud), yoga, a creative pursuit etc