I woke up today and remembered one of my dreams perfectly. It was weird because one). I rarely remember my dreams two). 2. I had these two strong yet different feelings from it. Like, when I was first waking up a big part of me was gutted. Then the other part wasn't because it recalled how it had watched the dream unfold (and possibly chatted to the gutted part about the events afterwards?) and had looked on as if to say those Warsan Shire words:

"And if he wants to leave, let him leave" Source

In the dream, this man I really like and I were at a thing, like a restaurant or something. We were in one room. Funny because he's been expertly evasive when I suggested we be in the same room these past few weeks. So in this strange room bro is all "I don't think I can text you anymore." No lie. "I think I'd like to start texting y seriously." The me in the chair was, as I've said, gutted. I think there were tears. Real life sadness, joe. I think those feelings were valid because uhm if you like-like someone and they're just like, "[shrugs] whatever," to your existence it sucks. The interesting part for me, however, is how the part of me that was "watching" the dream behaved. Girl was unmoved. She was just as shrug-y as objects of unrequited love tend to be. I also got the feeling that she was judging the sad, almost weepy me for wanting all these things (in this case to get to sit in more rooms more often with the bro and to keep texting him). It reminds me of something that happened yesterday evening on twitter where this woman tweeted "Loners get lonely too" and I added how much like a betrayal it feels when that happens. Like, you're supposed to be self-sufficient and not need (WANT) one other to keep you entertained and human.

That's what the "watching me" was doing, I suppose. Looking at me as if I were acting like a muggle and clinging onto stuff that isn't there. It's that same part that snickers in public (as if to say "if only you knew, homey.") when I smile at gorgeous dudes and the look past me.  Even I (in dreamspace and low moments?) judge myself for something as basic and human as wanting another human to want me and look at me with an insider's eyes.

In the time I've liked boys (six or seven years) it's only now that I'm learning and beginning to accept that even people you like treat you just the same as everyone else treats you.

I also resolved into tears as I was walking to work with DJ Kent and The Arrows as my soundtrack for no apparent reason. Just let them happen without jumping to find out why.

This quote resonates with me so much. It would have resonated when I was 13 and it resonates today. Fuktup.

“In my family, in my culture, mental illness is especially taboo. Brown girls go to college and do well and get married and have happy families — or if you manage to come from a more liberal background, they find what they love and go after it and that’s that. Brown girls do not have eating disorders. They do not feel sad for no reason. They don’t acknowledge labels like “bipolar” or “manic depressive” or “anxiety disorder.” They don’t seek counselling; as far as brown girls should be concerned, sometimes people feel sad but you figure out why and you fix it and move on.”

Not that this has got anything to do with anything in this current scheme. It's just a giant ball of feelings